Response to Letter from Santa

And now from Noah ( http://www.myspace.com/noahtime ) comes the following response to Santa's letter!

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Dear Benjamin,

Thank you for forwarding me your correspondance with S. Claus. We here at the Meyerstein Consulting Firm would appreciate the opportunity to help you with your
Christmas present claim. We believe you have a valid case for challenging the Claus Corp.'s refusal to deliver gifts, and we would like to help you receive your due. While we can do nothing about your Jewish ethnic and religious heritage, there may be another
way to prove that you deserve Christmas gifts. Let us first gather a bit more information from you:

1. Have you ever wished anyone a Merry Christmas? If not, would you consider doing so for the purposes of this claim? An audio recording of said wish would be most helpful, should a court case ensue.

2. Have you ever lingered in front of a nativity scene, or perhaps thought Mary was pretty, or the baby Jesus was cute? The demonstration of kind feelings towards major Christian icons would be beneficial in convincing Mr. Claus and his representatives of your latent Christian tendencies.

3. Can you document, via audio- or videotape or eyewitness, a childhood instance of sitting upon a Santa Claus impersonator's lap, perhaps while visiting a gentile family? (Nota bene: Should the need for "hard ball" arise, we might argue that Mr. Claus' authorization of impersonators is misleading, dishonest, and un-Christian; by extension, his own actions are not without reproach, and therefore your birth status as a Jew is in fact a lesser "crime" than his own dishonesty. You, Benjamin, are in fact more worthy of Christmas gifts than Santa himself!)

4. How long have you lived in a predominantly Christian nation, state, and immediate community? By inavoidable cultural pressure to conform, you are in fact more Christian than myriad alleged Christians living in predominantly non-Christian lands.

5. Do you have Christian friends who would be willing to vouch for your virtuous lifestyle and philosophy, thus demonstrating that you are in fact living a good Christian life despite some superficial Semitic physical attributes and a meaningless cultural-religious label?

6. Lastly, can you prove that the gifts you requested are fundamentally Christian in nature? This fact would underscore the inherent Christianity of your person and help our case significantly. Your prompt response to this inquiry would expedite the handling of your claim and, with success, hasten the arrival of your deserved Christmas gifts. Thank you, Benjamin, for considering us here at Meyerstein Consultants. We would be honored to assist in your case.

Best wishes, and Merry Christmas.
Josephine Meyerstein.